2013 NFL Mock Draft: Stereotypical Version

No.	Team	Pick
1	Chiefs	Jack Stack Barbecue, Restaurant, Kansas City: The Chiefs intended to draft a future bust defensive lineman, but Reid’s excited utterance brings the Eagles the rights to unlimited pulled pork. Kiper assigns a grade of “F” to the pick, while Reid eats 3 pigs worth of ribs, pulls the last clean bone from his mouth, stands up, extends his arm, drops the bone like a mic, throws his arms up in “victory” fashion, and leaves the building, which solidifies the one and only reason Andy Reid went to Kansas City—what we have all assumed from day one—the BBQ.
2	Jets (from Jaguars)	Manti Te’o, ILB, Notre Dame: The Jets send Tim Tebow to the Jaguars, and in an interview during the Jets’ pick, Rex Ryan tells ESPN, “Manti is just a football player that we think can contribute in some different packages… we’re not in it for the media attention.” (After the camera turns off, Ryan rolls up his sleeve, kisses his tattoo of his wife in a Sanchez jersey, and whispers to it, “Tomorrow’s headline is ours again—no such thing as bad press—take that Coughlin…”)
3	Raiders	Onterio McCalebb, RB, Auburn: DUDE RAN A 4.21!!! FASTEST GUY AT THE COMBINE!!! IN FACT, FASTEST GUY AT THE COMBINE EVER!!! …oh, that’s unofficial? Too late…
4	Raiders (from Eagles)	Marquise Goodwin, WR, Texas: Attempt #2… DUDE RAN A 4.27!!! THE FASTEST GUY AT THE COMBINE!!! (A synchronized sigh of relief from the Oakland staff could be heard at Radio City Music Hall—the Raiders got their guy.)
5	Lions	Alec Ogletree, ILB, Georgia: In an effort to bring players with similar interests and backgrounds to the team, Jim Schwartz has drafted Alec Ogletree. Speaking to NFL Network shortly after the pick, Schwartz said, “We really felt Ogletree’s recent arrest would play to his advantage and expedite his assimilation into the ‘Lion way’ that we all know and love.”
6	Browns	Nick Saban, Coach, Alabama: Jimmy Haslam doesn’t take no for an answer. In an interview, Jimmy Haslam told ESPN, “We’re going to get the best here, and we’re not accepting any less.” Newly hired head coach Rob Chudzinski declined to comment.
7	Cardinals	Matt Barkley, QB, USC: Last time the Cardinals drafted a USC quarterback that was a guaranteed 1st rounder, but opted to stay an extra year in college, it went REALLY well. Or that’s what the Cardinals’ front office believes. It’s really hot in Phoenix. The dry heat will get to you. It’ll make you see things… or make you forget things. Mike Mayock is currently chalking the memory loss up to the heat, so we’ll go with that. Sorry, Larry.
8	Bills	Los Angeles, California: Less than 5 months after accepting the Bills head coaching job, Doug Marrone has been quoted as saying, “Buffalo sucks” 57 times… in one interview. Needless to say, Marrone, the New York native, has decided he wants to move the team. Shortly after the Bills’ surprise selection, a Los Angeles spokesman was quoted as saying, “Buffalo sucks… no not the city Buffalo. I’ve never even been to Buffalo… who in the hell would want to go to Buffalo? I meant Buffalo sucks, as in the Buffalo Bills suck. We don’t want them.” …already sounds like a picturesque Hollywood relationship.
9	Jets	Tyler Bray, QB, Tennessee: Rex Ryan, according to Rob Ryan, is over the whole “media attention” thing. At least, now that he’s got Manti the walking reality show, he is. Sources have told Yahoo, who have told Twitter, who have told ESPN that Ryan is now concentrating on this “scoring points” concept. The last time he watched Tennessee play, the “tall kid in bright orange” playing quarterback was “really good,” so Ryan is happy about this selection.
10	Titans	E.J. Manuel, QB, FSU: Athletic quarterback? Big arm? How can the Titans pass up dooming Nashville to another five years of mediocre football?!? They can’t. When asked about the quarterback competition in Titans’ camp, Mike Munchak remarked, “We’ll have an open competition between Jake Locker, E.J. Manuel—and all of the other guys we’re bringing in for camp, such as Vince Young, Marcus Vick, Sunshine from Remember the Titans, Paul Crewe from the Longest Yard, and Shane Falco from The Replacements.” In related news, local sports writer Clay Travis has posted a “Munchak countdown” clock on his website.
11	Raiders (from Chargers)	Denard Robinson, QB/WR, Michigan: The bewildered Oakland war room spends 20 minutes trying to figure out who traded away all of the Raiders’ 2014 draft picks, until the the ghost of Al Davis appears in the room holding a phone and repetitively screaming, “A QUARTERBACK THAT RUNS A 4.43?!? YES PLEASE!!!”
12	Dolphins	Dan Marino’s Illegitimate Child: This selection by the Dolphins surprises some, but most in the “inner loop” say that there was never another player considered. As the “dark horse” of this draft, Marino’s kid benefits from great DNA as well as unprecedented financial support in his training, as Dan will pay handsomely to hide his guilt and save his image. Live in the Dolphin’s war room, management is calling this prospect, “a kid who flew under the radar” and “a really well kept secret.”
13	Buccaneers	Jon Gruden (Frank Caliendo), Coach, ESPN: In an effort to relive their glory days, the Buccaneers’ ownership decides to draft Jon Gruden to return to coach Tampa Bay back to their glory. With the only Tampa Bay Super Bowl victory coming under Gruden, this pick makes sense. Upon hearing the news, Gruden told ESPN, “MAN! I’M SO EXCITED! I LOVE EVERY PLAYER ON THAT TEAM! EVERY SINGLE ONE! THOSE KIDS CAN PLAY! MAN OH MAN! I CAN’T WAIT TO GET IN TRAINING CAMP AND GO OVER THE BASICS, LIKE ‘Y-BANANA, Z-DOUBLE SPLIT, 34-HORSESHOE, REVERSE, STAR LIGHT STAR BRIGHT, JAWS, DOUBLE WHAM, BAM BAM, SHAZAM’!!!”
14	Panthers	Play 60 Kid: When asked about this selection, Ron Rivera remarked, “We believe competition brings out the best in players, and we think this pick will really raise the level of competition at the quarterback position in training camp.” Steve Smith can be seen in the background of the interview shamefully shaking his head. Analysts believe the Panthers are actually attempting to lower the level of competition for Cam, in an attempt to raise Newton’s confidence in himself. On a related note, @ AuburnBCSChamp175K tells us that a group of men out of Auburn, Alabama have been hired to consult the Panthers on how to affectively motivate Cam Newton.
15	Saints	Ed Reed, S, NFL Network: Reed brings two things to the table: 1. He hates Roger Goodell as much as everyone else in New Orleans, and 2. He can cover better than anyone else currently on the Saints’ roster. Immediately after the pick, the NFL begins an investigation of the New Orleans Saints for a “bounty program” the Saints are allegedly running at practice under Rob Ryan. [Update: Roger Goodell announces the suspensions, based on “clear and convincing evidence” from “Sources” cited by Chris Broussard on Twitter, of Ed Reed, Jonathan Vilma, and “a player to be determined later at Goodell’s convenience” from the podium between the 26th and 27th picks.]
16	Eagles (from Rams)	Allen Iverson, QB/PG, Talkin’ bout Practice: In what has been called both an “act of desperation” (by everybody except Chip Kelly) and “a genius move” (by Chip Kelly), Philadelphia has drafted the former Virginia high school football player of the year—Allen Iverson. With rumors swirling around Philly that the former 76er wanted to make a return to professional sports, the Eagles jumped at the chance to grab another quarterback that hasn’t played in years and is past his prime. In a statement just released by Iverson’s agent, Iverson says, “I’ll be there on Sundays—can’t guarantee nothin else. Hell, I can’t guarantee Sundays. I guess me and Mike will draw straws to see who plays and who watches the dogs.”
17	Steelers	Usain Bolt, Sprinter, Jamaica: Mike Tomlin cited Kenny Mayne as his “source” on Bolt’s football talent. Halfway through Tomlin’s interview, the NFL Network referred to Bolt as the “fastest man in the world.” Seven minutes later, it was announced that Bolt had been traded to the Raiders for Darren McFadden and a conditional draft pick in 2015. [Update: The conditional pick was determined to be a 1st rounder based on Bolt’s 40-yard dash time.]
18	Cowboys	Brett Favre, QB/QB Coach/Offensive Coordinator/Head Coach/General Manager/Jobless, Hattiesburg: Jerry Jones’ selection of Brett Favre has surprised no one here in Radio City Music Hall. He’s the perfect candidate for the “Jerry Jones” gauntlet. The current over/under on Bovada.lv for number of games Favre lasts in the Cowboys organization is 12.5. And the over/under for how many different responsibilities Jerry Jones will strip from him throughout his tenure in Dallas just moved from 3.5 to 4.5.
19	Jets (from the Giants)	JaMarcus Russell, QB, KFC: Upon learning that the last time Rex Ryan watched a Tennessee game was in 1996, the Jets front office informed Ryan that Bray isn’t the same “tall kid in bright orange” that he saw. That was Peyton Manning. In a fit of anger, sources have told The Onion, Ryan exclaimed, “I can’t believe we almost drafted that goofy kid from the Giants!” In an attempt to draft a “proven” quarterback, Ryan has determined Russell is the best quarterback available. During the violent argument that ensued between Ryan and every other person in the Jets organization, Ryan stated the fact that, “Russell has thrown 18 touchdowns in the NFL, the rest of these kids have thrown 0!”
20	Bears	Mike Ditka (Frank Caliendo), Tight End/Coach, ESPN: Chicago has not won a Super Bowl since 1986, and ownership is becoming antsy. This pick represents ownership’s attempt to “get back to our roots.” Though Chicago fans seem somewhat concerned with Ditka shrinking from a once imposing 6’3″ to a compact 5’7″, the general feeling among fans seems to be one of elation. On an online poll, 97% of voters believe Mike Ditka is senile—the remaining 3% are Bears fans over the age of 60.
21	Seahawks (from Bengals)	Tyrann Mathieu, CB, …LSU???: According to @ SeahawksDude0420, Seattle has selected former LSU star Tyrann Mathieu solely due to the unique contract his agent proposed to the team. It only requested that Tyrann receive 1. a pound of weed a week, 2. living accommodations with no less than 6 bean bag chairs, 3. transportation to and from practices and games, and 4. one-way plane tickets to Seattle for “Jordan Jefferson,” “Jarrett Lee,” and “Les Miles.” After the Seahawks announced their selection, a random over-anxious journalist asked Mathieu, “While the state of Washington has legalized marijuana, other states have not, how do you plan to control your smoking habits in the states in which marijuana is illegal?” To which Mathieu replied, “Honey Badger gonna do Honey Badger.”
22	49ers (from Rams)	Kenny Powers, Motivational Speaker, North Carolina: There’s been an extraordinary amount of speculation around San Francisco’s decision to move up and select the highly-coveted Powers. The majority of analyst have come to the conclusion that Jim Harbaugh no longer wants to be the most psychotic member of the 49ers organization. His brother had Ray Lewis to overshadow him, but Jim was left in the insanity spotlight. Harbaugh has declined to comment on the selection, but Spike Television will be airing the seemingly anti-climatic “Kenny Powers: The Decision” tonight at 9 p.m.
23	Vikings	Time Expired: The First time a team lets the clock expire, they can still pick when they walk up to the podium, but since it’s the Vikings second time (See: 2003 NFL Draft) to let the clock expire, they forfeit their pick. No matter—the Vikings plan to play 1 on 11 anyways, since it worked last year.
24	Raiders (from Colts)	Terron Armstead, OT, Arkansas-Pine Bluff: DUDE RAN A 4.71!!! THE FASTEST OFFENSIVE LINEMAN EVER AT THE COMBINE!!! AND THAT’S OFFICIAL!!! …and for the 99.7% of analysts who “projected” Terron as a “Day 2” guy, the Raiders released a statement that read, “Screw you. If you only knew how many times our new offense calls for a 40-yard tackle pull, you’d understand.”
25	Jets (from Seahawks)	Ron Mexico, QB, Cancun: Once Rex Ryan realized JaMarcus Russell and Russell Wilson are not the same person, the Jets frantically dealt Darrell Revis to the Seahawks to unite him with his best friend, Richard Sherman. Regarding this selection, while this has only been confirmed by a tattoo artist who has chosen to remain anonymous, Ryan apparently met a phenomenal quarterback in Las Vegas several years ago by the name of “Ron Mexico.” The little-known Mexcio released an ambiguous statement stating that he “will be available on Sundays that AI is starting” and that “he sure as hell ain’t gonna be no personal punt protector.” One last note of significance regarding this pick: Mexico’s agent has apparently requested in the contract that Rex get a tattoo on his other arm with Ryan’s wife in a “Mexico” jersey.
26	Lions (from Packers)	Da’Rick Rogers, WR, Tennessee Tech: For those of us worried the Lions would go 4 whole years without taking a questionable wide receiver or tight end in the 1st round—worry no more. The Ford family has stated that Da’Rick Rogers is “how we like ’em.” As the NFL Network camera pans Da’Rick Rogers’ living room, posters of Rogers’ heroes can be seen: Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, and Titus Young. After receiving a considerable sum of money in the form of a bribe, Jim Schwartz’s psychiatrist has exclusively told us that Schwartz channels his “extremely violent” tendencies into ruining other people’s lives. And further, as a former linebacker that wasn’t good enough to make it, he resents the wide receivers who came over the middle and made him look like a fool. Thus, the Jim receives a higher level of satisfaction in cutting receivers, so this pick makes complete sense.
27	Raiders (from Texans)	Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia: Naturally,the Raiders move up to draft the 2nd fastest WR in the draft—in case something happens to the fastest WR. In his 5th interview of the day, Dennis Allen nervously states, “Austin is one of those intelligent versatile players that you can’t miss out on… and yes… yes, he’s fast. Yes Al, he’s fast. I mean… yes AL…SO fast! Yes, I meant, also fast.” All the while, Ghost Al Davis can be seen on camera whispering in Allen’s ear.
28	Broncos	The Entire TCU Football Team: After the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, the entire TCU football team, including some coaches, informed the Broncos that “they’d all divide the salary of one draft pick” if the Broncos selected them in the first round. Peyton Manning disapproved of the selection… until Papa John pointed out the business opportunities. Manning also agreed to keep quiet about the “special brownies” in the training room after he was offered the lead part in a Betty Crocker commercial.
29	Patriots	Two 1st Round Picks in 2014 and One 1st Round Pick in 2015: We have no idea how Bill Belichick managed this one, but somehow, the Patriots have exchanged the 29th overall pick for two 1st round picks next year and one 1st round pick in 2015. Sources say that Belichick spoke with league officials last week to determine the validity of such an exchange. After Belichick’s 4 hour presentation, the Patriots were granted the right to stock up more draft picks by a vote of 1-0. Sources also say that once Belichick voted and left, league officials were furious when they woke up.
30	Falcons	Leon Sandcastle, DB, Commercial: Upon weeks of investigation, the intuitive Roddy White—who scored a 4 on the Wonderlic—determined that Leon Sandcastle is ACTUALLY Deion Sanders with a wig and fake mustache. Without the months necessary for Roddy to deduce that Sanders isn’t actually in the NFL draft, Roddy takes it upon himself to call in the pick, and the Falcons draft Deion Sanders, again.
31	49ers	Jerry Rice, WR, Hall of Fame: Due to Jim Harbaughs incredible ability to create absolutely NO* tension between teammates (See: Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick), he decides it’d be a good idea to bring Jerry Rice back to start over Randy Moss. Yet during his draft day interview, he continuously makes definitive indefinite statements, “Yeah, Randy is our guy… but Jerry is playing well, and I like to go with the hot hand(s)… but Randy has definitely earned the right to be called the greatest ever… Jerry is the best receive of all time, hands down…”
32	Ravens	Ray Lewis III, ILB, Miami: After an “anonymous” caller threatened his life, John Harbaugh drafts an ineligible prospect—Ray Lewis’ son, Ray Lewis III. Immediately after the pick, a camera switches over to the Lewis household, which has over a hundred people gathered for a “draft party.” In an interview with confused ESPN analysts, Lewis says, through his tears, “I just had faith my little Ray would succeed me! I knew it!!!” As the camera pans away, Lewis can be seen on his cell phone and can be vaguely heard saying, “I knew you’d come around…smart choice John… smart choice.”